Samples of Our Work: College #3
Every EssayMaster editing order includes a critique and a substantive edit. Please review the excerpt to understand the comprehensive nature of our editing. You may also review the full critique, edited essay, and original below.
Excerpt
Please use the slider to see an excerpt of the before and after.
Entire Order
CRITIQUE
Dear [Fname],
Among the strengths of the original draft were its sincere tone and its notable charm. It is clear you are a keen photographer, as shown by your self-knowledge and introspective examinations of the same. No one can doubt the sincerity of your interest in the field, and the reader is inclined to favor your candidacy.
That being said, I worked to organize the essay into a more fluent whole and use a variety of sentence types to keep the essay fluent. I altered word choice to increase the essay’s impact, and I sought to improve cogency and organization.
“This is the charm of photography.”
I used a tight “thesis” to bring about the impact of the essay’s structure.
“I took a film-specific class my junior year with the intent of exploring what film meant to me.”
The text here demonstrates how your interest in photography progressed.
“This kind of accident sometimes brings regret, but sometimes is a wonderful surprise.”
Examining the subject closely, the candidate demonstrates both interest in the field and understanding of the artistic process.
As part of my edit, I have also checked the “before” and “after” document in Grammarly, which provides sophisticated AI-assisted error-checking. While Grammarly is not perfect and does not scan for substance or organization as we do as human editors and while it can sometimes flag issues that are not actually issues, we have consistently found that successful essays tend to have scores above 90%. We note the original score on the document was 94% and the score on the revised edition is 98%.
Clearly, you have created a document that argues forcefully for your admission to the UC program. Thank you for using EssayMaster to maximize the power of your essay, and best of luck with your admission to the program.
Sincerely,
EDITED ESSAY (the “After”)
(UC application) Every person has a creative side, and it can be expressed in many ways: problem solving, original and innovative thinking, and artistically, to name a few. Describe how you express your creative side. (350 words max)
Photography is a nostalgic art. The instant the shutter is initiated, the specific moment has passed. Film photography provides users with old methods to wake up our long-lost memories. Film respects time and is a way of recording life as a retro image. At some point in the future, when we once again pick up the photo, we recall the same feelings as the moment we captured. Our memories are awakened and re-associated with a point in the past. This is the charm of photography.
My first photography class occurred during my freshman year. This introductory course required the construction of a “camera box,” using paper, paint, and actual film. In doing so, I learned the principles of photography and learned how to develop film in a darkroom. Intrigued with using film instead of digital equipment, I took a film-specific class my junior year with the intent of exploring what film meant to me. The learning process revealed the reasoning behind my appreciation for this nostalgic art: uncertainty and unpredictability. The inability to instantly see results meant a stronger emphasis on capturing meaningful moments, unlike the digital format where dozens of the same pictures could be taken concurrently. The developing process also made the results even more unpredictable. This kind of accident sometimes brings regret, but sometimes is a wonderful surprise.
I choose to observe the world through the small frame because of this unforeseeable process. When I purchased my first film camera in the summer of 2018, I considered the camera my most valuable item. Initially, I shot very carefully because the film could not be removed or wasted. This hesitation led to missing out on capturing many moments. I have always asked myself before pressing the shutter button: “Do I really want to shoot this, or will I regret it?” Many times, I still refrain from taking photos, even after these deep thoughts. However, nothing is full of certainty, and I try anyways, regardless of the final product. Film photography has taught me to relax: not to strive for perfection, but to appreciate the moment.
ORIGINAL ESSAY (the “Before”)
Photography is a nostalgic art. At the moment the shutter is pressed, this moment has passed. And film photography is more like this, using old methods to wake up our long-lost memories. Film is a respect for time and a way of recording life as a retro image. Maybe at some point in the future, when we pick up the photo again, we can recall the feelings as the moment we took the photo. Our memories are awakened and re-associated with a point in the past. This is the charm of photography. I started to take a photography class in the freshman year of my high school. In the class, we were inspired to create our own “camera” box after learning the principle of the camera.
In junior year, I started to learn the film camera. From the initial curiosity to the fascination that followed, I have been exploring the meaning of film for us. In the process of learning film, I found out why it made me more like it. The uncertainty and unpredictability of the film make the process of shooting more serious and make the results even more unpredictable. This kind of accident sometimes brings regret, sometimes it is a surprise. I chose to observe the world through the small frame because the unforeseeable process. It was the summer of 2018, I have the first film camera.
Although I am a novice and the camera is not expensive, the camera became the most valued thing. At the beginning, I shot very carefully because the film could not be removed. I was so cherish that I was afraid to waste any film. However, the problem arose: I missed a lot of wonderful snapping moments when I hesitated. I always ask myself before pressing the shutter button: do I really want to shoot this, will I regret it when I shoot this? After thinking a lot, I still did not take this photo until the end. Nothing is full of certainty, so I should try it boldly and do not fear failure. After reflecting on myself, I tried to bravely press the shutter and capture many wonderful moments. The film camera teaches me to calm down, not to be anxious for success, and to enjoy what I am doing.