Outstanding - Harvard - Business personal statement editing

Business personal statement editing

Some insight into my life can be drawn from this experience.

A group of a hundred-plus parents gathered in a large ballroom to discuss the challenges and fears they face raising their children. In an effort to make this experience more intimate they created a large circle that stretched the borders of the ballroom.

The common bond uniting these parents is that all of them have at least one child born with albinism, a genetic condition that gives not only a unique appearance and resulting social stigmas, but also, in many cases, legal blindness.

They spent some time discussing their challenges—their children’s educational difficulties, challenges with athletics, interpersonal struggles, and the constant comments and stares both they and their children receive outside their homes.

Now I was to be their guest speaker. The speaker who would discuss his experiences growing up with albinism and address any questions or concerns they might have. So I stood in the middle of that circle, a circle comprised of parents worried that their children will always be outsiders in this world. Parents struggling to grasp the visually limited realities of their children, and what those limitations will mean in their children’s lives.

And I discussed my life. Through stories of my struggles and accomplishments I explained to those parents what was possible. I explained how their children could play baseball or any other sport

despite their visual disability—and they had to let them try. I did have to preface this with the disclaimer that their children might be relegated in game time to right field in the top of the ninth when their team is up by sixteen, but it was a comment that also resonated with some of the fully sighted fathers in the room.

Many of those parents came up to me after my discussion and wanted their children to meet me. I, somehow, had suddenly become a role model to these parents—a hero they wanted their children to meet.

The positive impact I had made me realize the tremendous value my leadership and perspective could have on people touched by albinism. That realization is why I pursued and was elected to the board of directors of this group—the National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation. It is an opportunity for me to give back and help others successfully manage the many challenges of albinism.

Analysis

This essay recounts a unique and compelling tale. From the beginning, we are immediately drawn into an unusual setting. Why is the writer attending this event? Compelled to find out, we read on. The essay is structured like a speech, peppered with figures of style. He himself only appears toward the middle of the story with an engaging, “Now I was to be their guest speaker.” The readers are captivated as they wonder: what can a hundred-plus parents learn from an HBS applicant?

The question is resolved in the next paragraph: the applicant, affected by albinism, is about to share his childhood experiences with parents eager to learn. In the speech, the author says he spoke about his life, a life that served to inspire an entire community. The applicant sends a very powerful, service-oriented message that emphasizes the cross-generational attributes of leadership. And leadership is indeed what he demonstrated in this essay: he was able to show resilience growing up and is now a source of inspiration. He leaves the readers with many introspective questions: How can you be a leader in every single area of your life? How can you turn your challenges into victories?

From 65 Successful Harvard Business School Application Essays edited by the Staff of the Harvard Crimson. Copyright (c) 2009 by the authors and reprinted by permission of St. Martin's Publishing Group