Lesson 14: Introductions
You may have been taught to write with a “hook,” something catchy or interesting to engage the reader’s attention. Don’t do this. Not for a graduate school statement of purpose and certainly not for any of your graduate seminar papers. Instead, announce yourself as if you were introducing yourself to your potential graduate advisor, because that’s exactly what you’re doing. Be professional.
Here’s the difference:
from MIT (edited)
Personal hook introduction: “When I was 17 years old, I was scuba diving off the coast of Australia and had my right leg, below the knee, bitten off by a Great White shark. While this experience was incredibly difficult, the prosthetic leg I received enabled me to live a “normal” life. I could maintain a similarly active lifestyle engaging in activities like running, skiing, skateboarding, and even scuba diving. My accident was the event that inspired my entry into the field of biomedical engineering with a focus on orthotics and prosthetics.”
Direct introduction: “I’m applying to the biomedical engineering program at M.I.T. with a concentration in orthotics and prosthetics. My extensive work with ankle stabilizing mechanisms, along with my own experience of living with a prosthetic leg, has prepared me to contribute to the ongoing conversations in such department seminars as Required Course and Another Course, contribute to the innovative research in the MIT orthopedic robotics labs under the direction of Professors Big Name and Another Big Name, then advance my career in cutting-edge prosthetics design.”
Many statements begin with some kind of anecdote meant to illustrate an applicant’s interest in the field: It’s the “spark” statement, i.e., Here’s what sparked my interest. That’s fine, but be careful to not tell some kind of elaborate, flowery, sentimental story. Never focus on your feelings, and don’t tell a long, involved tale.
Here’s an excellent introduction to a chronological essay that includes a “spark” subtly and professionally. Right away faculty readers can tick off some boxes in the list of desired qualities: a commitment to research, intellectual initiative, a diverse range of experiences and interests; knowledge of the field; and essential skills. Compare this opening to the “I like science and engineering” example above, and note how much more sophisticated this applicant appears.
MIT application (edited)
“I have been involved in research since the start of my college career: from designing an independent project synthesizing a conductive molecular wire with self-insulating properties, to industrial research on the kinetics of polyurethane chain extension reactions, to my most recent project investigating a protein transport phenomenon in transgenic mushrooms. In my senior year, I ran a set of PCR projects on a gel. Suddenly, at 4 a.m., a phenomenon that had defied explanation for months became clear thanks to one piece of data--one missing band. Its absence explained data we had struggled to interpret. I remember the rush of clarity; with that puzzle suddenly solved, new possibilities opened up for further research. That experience has inspired me to undertake my master’s in Chemical Engineering.”
There’s so much that’s so awful online. No professor is going to be inspired to admit an applicant who writes this:
“While I will never make the grandiose statement of knowing the nitty-gritty of my life’s plan at an early age, I can state – with a degree of certainty – that it would undoubtedly involve books. In that much, I was accurate.”
And, as one professor has begged, “No epiphanies, please! No stories like, ‘I was driving down the freeway and then the sky opened up and I heard a voice saying you should go for the PhD!’”
Here’s another terrible example of what not to do. The psychodrama here is too much.
“Looking back, I always knew that I wanted to work in public service, but I also knew my staunchly conservative father would not be pleased. To him, the government is too big, too intrusive and too wasteful. I see things differently. And yet, his approval means a lot to me and his opinion has certainly influenced the direction of my career. I have finally come to understand that I must pursue my own path. After careful deliberation, I am confident that public service is, without a doubt, the right career for me.”
Oh, and put away the thesaurus.
