Samples of Our Work: Medical School #2
Every EssayMaster editing order includes a critique and a substantive edit. Please review the excerpt to understand the comprehensive nature of our editing. You may also review the full critique, edited essay, and original below.
Excerpt
Please use the slider to see an excerpt of the before and after.
Entire Order
CRITIQUE
Dear [Fname],
Your original statement had some key strengths including childhood interest, high school experience, and a volunteer position at a hospital. You covered a nice spectrum of activity and you addressed a possible weakness in your application (first year grades at university) with grace and sophistication. Finally, you successfully communicated a vision of the patient-centered physician you will aspire to be. These were all goals well-accomplished.
My first task as editor was to confront the structure of the essay. As you will read, I now open with your childhood experience, as a chronological structure helps reader comprehension. Further, introducing the material in chronological order creates a “crescendoing” effect that appeals to the reader’s feelings. Let us examine the points one-by-one:
“These moments with my grandfather began my career in medicine.”
In a good 80-95% of essays, a chronological structure works best. Here, the point that the candidate has been interested in medicine since childhood is a point that has impact, even if many other candidates say the same. The opening isn’t cliched: rather, it is what works.
“I have no shame in saying I have failed in the past because I use each failure as a guide for how to improve the next time I am faced with an obstacle.”
Depending on how much information the editor has, there is a tight-rope decision between “cutting out negativity” and “preserving the author’s voice.” Words are precious, especially in medical essays, should I have retained this text? Without guidance otherwise, the answer is yes, the problem is contained.
“I want to work to the best of my ability for as long as I have the strength so that maybe I can help a little boy have the same opportunity that I had to learn from his grandfather.”
The rhetorical device of returning to the beginning closes the essay well.
As part of my edit, I have also checked the “before” and “after” document in Grammarly, which provides sophisticated AI-assisted error-checking. While Grammarly is not perfect and does not scan for substance or organization as we do as human editors and while it can sometimes flag issues that are not actually issues, we have consistently found that successful essays tend to have scores above 90%. We note the score on the original draft was 84% and the score on the revised draft is 98%.
The revised essay tells a great story about both personal calling and dedication to a cause even while coming from an advantage in life. The result is a highly personable characterization, one that argues for your admission. Thank you for choosing EssayMaster to make your story told as powerfully as possible, and we genuinely wish you the very best of luck with your medical applications.
Sincerely,
EDITED ESSAY (the “After”)
When I was growing up, my grandfather was my hero. Around the age of ten, I asked him why he chose to be an accountant - I had no idea that his response would begin my passion for the medical field. He explained to me that people are born with certain talents, like his skill with numbers or my aptitude for science. He said to me, “It is the responsibility of every person to discover their talents and find a way to use them to help others.” A man of action, my grandfather had been an accountant for the Ministry of Finance of Costa Rica and used his talents to stop corruption within the government, saving the citizens millions of dollars even though his actions ultimately cost him his job. He often advised me to never choose money over helping others; I would find true happiness in knowing that I made a difference in someone’s life. These moments with my grandfather began my career in medicine. I grew up wondering how I could use my talents to help others, just as my grandpa had done for so many years.
My medical journey was reinforced at age 14 when my great uncle became terribly sick with leukemia. I will never forget my feeling of helplessness as my family suffered during his decline and eventual death. After many days of frustration and tears, I decided that the best way to remember his memory would be to act. This event invigorated my motivation in school, and I began to explore the path to becoming a doctor. A critical experience for me was during my senior year of high school when I took part in a medical internship under my first physician mentor. Dr. Voswinkle was an excellent physician who was not only wildly intelligent but also empathetic and caring - a rare combination. He had many patients who had been coming to him for decades, and some that drove across states to see him over other doctors. This special physician-patient relationship cemented my motivation to continue the path to the medical field. I could feel the trust that his patients placed in him; I saw that as true testament to his ability to both comfort and heal those who came to him for treatment. The lessons of my grandfather resonated in this moment as I discovered the opportunities for fulfillment that were available for me in the healthcare field. I told myself that I was going to become a doctor because no matter the effort, no matter the sacrifice, it had become clear to me that medicine would be the way that I could reinvest my talents, just as my grandfather had taught me.
One of my best qualities is my ability to overcome challenges. I have no shame in saying I have failed in the past because I use each failure as a guide for how to improve the next time I am faced with an obstacle. The beginning of college is an excellent example of this: it was a challenging time for me, and my grades certainly reflect that. It was hard for me to adjust to the new rigor of Duke from high school. If you look at my grade trend, you can see that my first two semesters were not truly my best work; this was a function of adjusting to the increased difficulty of college compared to high school and the disorientation of living on my own for the first time. I worked hard to overcome this challenge, and by my sophomore year, I had found my rhythm and have made the dean’s list every semester since. This attitude has been instrumental in my path to becoming a physician because there are many times during the long journey that one might want to give up, but one must keep one’s goals in front of oneself and keep working even when things might not go how one intended. I know that this resilience that I have formed during these hardships will be instrumental in my journey through medical school and beyond.
As important as academics are, I found that my most noteworthy experiences were had in the hospital through volunteering in many different departments. It was through those engagements that I discovered for the first time what it meant to truly make a difference in the lives of others. I discovered how spending time with a lonely patient or providing a meal to the caregiver of a child who is in the hospital is often just as rewarding for me as it is for them. I acknowledge that I have grown up with a great deal of opportunities that others have not been afforded. I think about this often and how I can give back to those who were less fortunate than me. I feel the privilege that has been bestowed on me also comes with a great deal of responsibility, and I have every intention of making the most of the opportunities that have been bestowed upon me.
After much contemplation, I have realized that my decision to pursue medicine is not only because the human body fascinates me to no end, but also because I know that this career will allow me to make the best use of my talents. It will allow me to become a leader in the fight against health disparities and improve the quality of life of those in the community I serve. I am not under the delusion that I will be able to rid the world of suffering or save every life that comes into my clinic, but I do vow to give my absolute best effort. I want to work to the best of my ability for as long as I have the strength so that maybe I can help a little boy have the same opportunity that I had to learn from his grandfather.
ORIGINAL ESSAY (the “Before”)
My medical voyage starts at age fourteen when my great-uncle become ill with lukemia. I can’t forget my feeling as my family during his decline and death. After many days of pain in waiting, with the machines in background going bleep-bleep-bleep, I decide that the best way to memorialize him will be to act. This event make my impression of motivation in school, I begin to find the path to becoming a doctor.
An experience for me was next during my senior year of high school when I take part in a medical internship under my first mentor. Dr. Voswinkle is a physician who is not only bright but also patient-centered, a hard to find combination. He had lots of patients who had been coming to him for scores of years, and some that drove lomg across state borders to see him over other doctors. This physician-patient relationship got me to continue the path to the medical field. I could feel the confidences that his patients placed in him; I saw that as true testament to his ability to both support and fix those who came to him for treatment. I discovered the opportunities that were available for me in healthcare. I told myself that I was going to become a doctor because no matter the effort, it would become clear to me that medicine would be the way that I could invest my skill One of my best qualities is my ability to overcome challenge. I have failed in the past but I use each failure as a guide for how to improve the next time comes an obstacle. The beginning of college is an example of this: it was a challenge time for me, and my grades certainly show that. It was hard for me to adjust to the new difficulty of Duke from SHS, I know I can’t be proud of my performance. But, if you look at my grade trend, you can see that my first two semesters were under-performing, this was a function of adjusting to the increased difficulty in college compared to high school and the distraction in first living on my own. I worked to overcome this, and by my sophomore year I had found me rhythm and made the dean’s list after every semester. This attitude has been part of my path to become a physician because there are many times during the journey to come that you might want to hold up, but you have to keep one’s goals in front of oneself and have to stay working when things were not how you desires. This talent that I have formed during these hardships will help my time through medical school. I may be an imperfect candidate, but my perseverance is good.
As important as are academics, I found the experiences were in hospital through volunteering in various departments. It was through those that I discovered for the occasion what it meant to alter others’. Spending time with a patient or providing food to the caregiver of a sick child is mutually beneficial. I have grown up with many opportunities that others have not been given. I think about this, I think I can give back to those who were more unfortunate than me. I feel the gifts that has been given to me also comes with responsibility and I will make the most of the opportunities that have been given upon me.
After contemplation, my decision to pursue medicine is not only because the body interests me, but also because I know that this career will allow me to make the use of talents. It will allow me to work against health unfairness and improve the quality of life of those I serve. I do not wrongly believe that I will be able to rid the world of disease or save every patient, but I do commit to give my best effort. I will to work my ability so that maybe I can help a little boy have the same opportunity that I had to learn from his grandfather. You see, when I was growing up, my grandfather was my idol. Around the age of ten, I asked him why he chose to be an accountant. He explained to me that people have talents, like his skill with numbers or my talent for science. He said to me, “It is the responsibility of every person to discover talents and find a way to use them to help others.”
Not a man of just words, my grandfather had been an accountant for the Ministry of Finance of Costa Rica and used his talents to stop corruption, saving the citizens millions of dollars even though it cost him employment. He advised me to never choose money over helping others; I would find happiness in knowing that I made a difference in someone’s life.