Samples of Our Work: Graduate School #2
Every EssayMaster editing order includes a critique and a substantive edit. Please review the excerpt to understand the comprehensive nature of our editing. You may also review the full critique, edited essay, and original below.
Excerpt
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CRITIQUE
Dear [Fname],
Your original document had some key strengths, including a sharp quantitative tone, insight into your preparation for USC, and well-presented highlights of your experience. It was obvious, reading your document, that you bring a keen analytical mind to your tasks, bringing about a rational system and order to your work.
My job as editor was first to alter the order of your paragraphs, with your volunteer experience coming later rather than first. I corrected all grammatical errors, chose correct wording, and smoothed the prose overall. In each case, I did not shy away from a bold choice when the result was improvement in your essay’s readability and ability to convince.
“Studying International Economics and Trade at UNNC provided me with the foundation for understanding economic theory and integration,”
As mentioned, I took the volunteer experience later, which naturally brought this paragraph to the forefront. The result is a more dynamic tone and more impact on the reader.”
“Nottingham's flagship campus….programming languages like Python and R”
Minor errors throughout the text were corrected. The main campus is of course the “flagship,” and Python and R are programming languages rather than dialects.
“Outside of the classroom at USC, I plan to contribute to the community as an organizer of important current issue discussions, pursue chances to tutor undergraduates, and get involved in the graduate student body.”
Fundamentally sound, this line was retained, but now comes to a natural close in your personal statement. It is an advantage to your candidacy that you talk about how you will contribute.
Your refined draft is now a powerful statement of purpose, showing intellect and commitment. The draft retains its quantitative strengths, but now displays a qualitative one as well.
As part of my edit, I have also checked the “before” and “after” document in Grammarly, which provides sophisticated AI-assisted error-checking. While Grammarly is not perfect and does not scan for substance or organization as we do as human editors and while it can sometimes flag issues that are not actually issues, we have consistently found that successful essays tend to have scores above 90%. We note the original score on the document was 83% and the score on the revised draft is 98%.
Thank you for choosing EssayMaster. We wish you the very best with this logical, cogent personal statement and hope for your acceptance.
Sincerely,
EDITED ESSAY (the “After”)
Studying International Economics and Trade at UNNC provided me with the foundation for understanding economic theory and integration, the importance of organizational management, and the resourceful use of data. At its forefront, data is becoming increasingly available at a rate and capacity that was previously unimaginable. Utilizing this data requires attentiveness in research and using complex tools to ensure the accuracy of retrieved information. This was a responsibility I experienced with my recent internship at Southwest Security, where my role required data collection that would prove vital in drafting analytical reports. Since the position entailed working within the investment bank department, all analysis would determine important decisions regarding the use of clientele funds and proper risk management. Personally, I became motivated by the high level of trust in this position and the use of important data allocation tools that helped solve financial problems. This experience, along with another internship, fueled my interest in pursuing graduate studies and motivated me to find a suitable program to fulfill my interests in utilizing additional data science tools and relevant topics in the field of business analytics. With an education focusing on modern statistical learning methods, data management, informatics, and decision making, I know I will significantly expand my understanding of data science and analytics and will apply my knowledge in case study format. With my goals set on attaining a business analytics role, I am committed to pursuing studies in the Master of Science in Business Analytics at the University of Southern California Marshall School of Business.
With the core of my undergraduate studies in economics, my undergraduate curriculum included classes in Microeconomic Theory, Monetary Economics, Mathematical Economics, and Econometrics. My university also provided a study exchange program, where I visited Nottingham's flagship campus in the United Kingdom to spend a semester learning advanced topics in economic theory. Learning about the various economic models and theories aided in the development of my quantitative skillset, while also improving my ability to perform research and analyze data. Altogether, the Introductory Econometrics course amplified my interest in data science allocation and business analytics. At its core, econometrics showed me the relationships between statistical models and economic theory while incorporating tools like STATA. This opened the doors as I understood how valuable software was in economic applications and the challenge in becoming fluent in other data tools. Being able to use programming languages like Python and R also proved to be valuable towards business analytics, leaving me wanting to learn more about the subject. With the combination of statistics, quantitative methods, and software to aid in data allocation and organization, choosing business analytics perfectly aligned with my career and academic interests. The interdisciplinary subject perfectly aligns with the needs of economics and data science in the 21st century, providing me with the best training to make myself an ideal candidate in the workforce.
In addition to advanced studies in economics and a passion for business analytics, exposure to diversity and teamwork ability provide me with a solid preparation for this degree program. Outside of China, I've had the privilege of traveling to the United Kingdom and Nepal, where I volunteered as a math teacher at an in-need school in Kathmandu. My volunteer role consisted of designing lesson plans that catered to the students' educational level through a thorough assessment, writing specialized homework assignments, and delivering lectures daily. Teaching the children was extremely rewarding, and preparing classes for each week involved great use of my introductory courses in economics as I was able to use the data allocation knowledge in creating assessments. By determining the childrens' educational level, I was able to promote lesson plans that were within the scope of their knowledge, allowing for a better learning experience. I also had the chance to interact with many Nepali citizens who were truly inspirational and expanded my desire to learn more about world cultures. The volunteer experience in Nepal was irreplaceable and increased my work ethic to the point where I always wanted to be involved in an internship, extracurricular, or other volunteer opportunities. Consecutively, I became involved with the UNNC student news agency, where I was responsible for public relations and developing the bilingual campus newspapers, while also leading a monthly group discussion for UNNC students interested in discussing current issues and global topics of interest. During my senior year at UNNC, I interned in the financial market and international clearing department at the Bank of China, where I worked in data extraction, internal operations, organizational software, and coordinated with other branches of the company. My role required daily participation with other departments and learning the intricacies of company financial product offerings. All of my experiences, whether they were through volunteerism, extracurriculars, or internships, helped further develop my skillset that could be used in a challenging graduate course.
After completing the business analytics program, my immediate goal is to pursue work opportunities in the United States, primarily in the San Francisco Bay Area or New York City. Classes such as Statistical Computing and Data Visualization, and Data Driven Decision Making will help me organize, research, and use data in a manner that is efficient in the most competitive workplaces in the world. Refining these important abilities and learning supplementary skills in Data Warehousing, Business Intelligence, and Data Mining will provide me with important knowledge that can help me achieve company goals in any scenario. These areas of interest are all in alignment with my short-term goals, but also my future aspirations. Outside of the classroom at USC, I plan to contribute to the community as an organizer of important current issue discussions, pursue chances to tutor undergraduates, and get involved in the graduate student body. With the variety of opportunities offered at USC and the high-level of preparation through the degree requirements, I know that I can achieve my aspirations in the United States following completion of the Master of Science in Business Analytics at the University of Southern California Marshall School of Business.
ORIGINAL ESSAY (the “Before”)
Considering International Economics and Trade at UNNC gave me the establishment for understanding monetary hypothesis and joining, significance of hierarchical administration, and ingenious utilization of information. At its cutting edge, information is getting progressively accessible at a rate and limit that was beforehand impossible. Using this information requires mindfulness in exploration and utilizing complex apparatuses to guarantee the exactness of recovered data. This was an obligation I encountered with my new temporary position at Southwest Security, where my job required information assortment that would demonstrate fundamental in drafting logical reports. Since the position involved working inside the venture bank division, all examination would decide significant choices with respect to the utilization of customers reserves and appropriate danger the board. By and by, I got inspired by the significant level of trust in this position and utilization of significant information portion apparatuses that tackled monetary issues. This experience, alongside another temporary position, filled my advantage for seeking after alumni considers and persuaded me to locate a reasonable program to satisfy my inclinations in using extra information science instruments and pertinent subjects in the field of business examination. With schooling zeroing in on current factual learning techniques, information the board, informatics, and dynamic, I realize I will essentially extend my comprehension of information science and examination, notwithstanding applying my insight on the off chance that review design. With my objectives set on accomplishing a business examination job, I am focused on seeking after investigations in the Master of Science in Business Analytics at the University of Southern California Marshall School of Business.
With the center of my undergrad concentrates in financial aspects, my undergrad educational program remembered classes for Microeconomic Theory, Monetary Economics, Mathematical Economics, and Econometrics. My college likewise gave an examination trade program, where I visited Nottingham's lead grounds in the United Kingdom to spend a semester learning progressed subjects in financial hypothesis. Finding out about the different financial models and hypotheses helped in the advancement of my quantitative range of abilities, while likewise improving my capacity to perform investigate and break down information. Out and out, it was the Introductory Econometrics course that intensified my advantage in information science portion and business examination. At its center, econometrics indicated me the connections between measurable models and monetary hypothesis while fusing apparatuses like STATA. This opened the entryways as I saw how significant programming was in monetary applications and the test in getting familiar with other information devices. Having the option to utilize programming dialects like Python and R likewise end up being important towards business investigation, leaving me needing to learn more into the subject. With the blend of measurements, quantitative strategies, and programming to help in information distribution and association, picking business examination completely lined up with my vocation and scholastic interests. The interdisciplinary subject consummately lines up with the necessities of financial matters and information science in the 21st century, giving me the best preparing to make myself an ideal applicant in the labor force.
Notwithstanding progressed concentrates in financial aspects and an energy for business examination, introduction to variety and cooperation capacity give me a strong groundwork for this degree program. Outside of China, I've had the advantage of making a trip to the United Kingdom and Nepal, where I chipped in as a numerical educator at an in-need school in Kathmandu. My volunteer job comprised of planning exercise designs that obliged the understudy's instructive level through an intensive appraisal, composing specific schoolwork tasks, and conveying addresses day by day. Encouraging the children was very fulfilling and getting ready classes for every week elaborate incredible utilization of my basic courses in financial aspects as I had the option to utilize the information assignment information in making evaluations. By deciding the instructive degree of the children, I had the option to advance exercise designs that were inside the extent of their insight, taking into consideration a superior learning experience. I likewise got the opportunity to cooperate with numerous Nepali residents who were really uplifting and extended my longing to study world societies. The volunteer involvement with Nepal was indispensable and expanded my hard working attitude to where I generally needed to be associated with an entry level position, extracurricular, or other volunteer chance. Continuously, I got engaged with the UNNC understudy news office where I was answerable for advertising and building up the bilingual grounds papers, while additionally driving a month to month bunch conversation for UNNC understudies keen on talking about recent concerns and worldwide subjects of interest. During my senior year at UNNC, I interned in the monetary market and global freeing division at the Bank from China, where I worked in information extraction, inside activities, authoritative programming, and composed with different parts of the organization. My job required day by day cooperation with different divisions and learning the complexities of organization monetary item contributions. The entirety of my encounters, regardless of whether they were through volunteerism, extracurriculars, or temporary positions, advanced build up my range of abilities that could be utilized in a difficult alumni course.
Following culmination of the business investigation program, my quick objective is to seek after work openings in the United States, essentially in the San Francisco Bay Area or New York City. Classes, for example, Statistical Computing and Data Visualization, and Data Driven Decision Making will help me coordinate, examination, and use information in a way that is productive in the most serious work environments on the planet. Refining these significant capacities and learning beneficial abilities in Data Warehousing, Business Intelligence and Data Mining will give me significant information that can help accomplish organization objectives in any situation. These regions of interest are all in arrangement with my transient objectives, yet in addition my future yearnings. Outside of the homeroom at USC, I plan on adding to the network as a coordinator of significant recent concern conversations, seeking after opportunities to coach students, and engaging in the alumni understudy body. With the assortment of chances offered at USC, and the significant level of readiness through the degree prerequisites, I realize that I can accomplish my desires in the United States following fruition of the Master of Science in Business Analytics at the University of Southern California Marshall School of Business.