The Personal Statement: Writing a Winning Introduction
The opening paragraph of your college essay is a critical example of why first impressions matter. Writing a vivid, compelling introduction “hooks” your reader and draws them in, making them want to read to know the rest of your story. So, how do you create a winning introduction?
Here are a few suggestions:
1.) Pick a starting point. For many writers, the introduction is the hardest part. Even if you have brainstormed a topic and have a general idea of what you want to say, starting the writing process can be tough, especially when the stakes are high. You may find it helpful to “write your way into” an introduction. If you need to start in the heart of the essay and work your way backward, you can certainly do so! You can also write the first introduction that comes to mind, knowing very well that you intend to go back and edit it heavily. Either way, it’s important to start somewhere and just begin writing.
2.) Throw away what you learned in English class! Okay, so don’t throw away everything you learned in class; some of it will be very helpful in the college writing process. However, it is important to understand that a personal statement doesn’t need to adhere to a formulaic structure, like the five-paragraph essay you’ve likely been taught to write in school, and you don’t need a formal thesis statement. Think of this more as a story.
3.) Focus on using vivid, descriptive language. This may include using dialogue or creating a detailed, colorful description using the five senses. Ask yourself, “If I were reading a stack of essays, would this paragraph stand out to me? Would I want to read further?”
Let’s consider a few successful college essay introductions.
Example Introduction #1: Using colorful imagery
“Instinctively, I hold my breath. The pungent fragrance of roasted coffee beans and the shrill sound of steam whistles from the espresso machines force my senses into overload. Before me are mounds of freshly baked goodies and colossal stacks of books piled on bookshelves as high as the ceiling. Pressing my nose against the glass cover, I don’t budge until the ginormous chocolate-chip cookie is within my possession. With one hand holding my cookie, I collect as many books as my chubby arms can hold and plop into my favorite blue armchair. I would look forward to this routine: every Saturday, when the big hand hit six, my parents would take me to Timothy’s, their coffee shop, and I would begin the day’s quest.”
This essay, written by a student who was accepted at John Hopkins, opens with memorably vivid imagery: “the pungent fragrance of roasted coffee beans,” “the shrill sound of steam whistles,” “colossal stacks of books piled high,” “ginormous chocolate-chip cookie,” “chubby arms.”
This introduction evokes emotion, even though the topic is pretty simple. The student’s ability to share her Saturday routine in a descriptive manner draws the reader in, causing me to feel as if I am right there with her.
It’s not always an extraordinary essay topic that matters; it’s how you tell an ordinary story.
Example Introduction #2: Using an anecdote
I stood frozen in the produce aisle at ShopRite, wondering which of the five varieties of oranges to buy. Valencia, blood orange, organic, Florida navel – what were the differences? When I asked my mom which variety she was looking for, she responded curtly, “It’s your choice. Pick what you want.” The thing was, I didn’t know what I wanted.
This essay, written by a student who was accepted at Harvard, opens with a powerful anecdote. The student uses vivid imagery to describe his experience selecting oranges at a supermarket. As readers, we also gain clues about his relationship with his mother (a bit strained, perhaps?) and his uncertainty about his decision-making skills. This introduction paved the way for an essay that contrasts the student’s freedom and self-direction as a first-generation American with the rigidity experienced by his parents, who grew up in China and immigrated to the United States. This simple story about selecting oranges became a powerful metaphor for the student’s decision-making processes, and the colorful language made the opening lines stand out.
While your statement will likely focus on a completely different topic, opening with a vivid anecdote can be a powerful way to get your reader’s attention, regardless of what you choose to write about.
Example Introduction #3: Using dialogue
“No, no, no, you’re all doing it wrong! The secret to developing realistic drawings lies in your ability to study every nuance of the object in front of you,” my art teacher advised. “Try sketching with one eye closed; it’s all about perspective, people!”
This essay, written by a student who was accepted at John Hopkins, opens with strong dialogue, as she directly quotes her art teacher. From reading this brief introduction, the reader does not yet know that the topic of this student’s essay is how navigating a visual impairment has helped her to see far and wide. This essay is a compelling example of the power of storytelling in the college application process.
Do not underestimate the power of dialogue in your essay’s introduction. Conversation can serve as the entryway to a thoughtful, well-crafted personal story.
Example Introduction #4: Incorporating an element of mystery
“I walked down the pale pink stone pathway, up a ramp, past the library building, and towards the Student Activities Center of the college campus, carrying a large brown cardboard box. People might’ve taken note of the load I was carrying, and particularly the other high school students with whom I ate my dinner. Out of the box I grabbed my meal, which was wrapped in two separate plastic airplane meal style trays; one container for the side and one for the main. I tried not to call attention to myself as I unwrapped the tight double wrapping of plastic around both trays.”
This essay, written by a student who was accepted to Princeton, weaves an element of mystery into the introduction. After reading further, the reader learns that this mysterious box, containing the double-wrapped plastic trays, is a reference to her kosher meals; her essay focuses on her internal questioning about the religious customs she’s grown up with,
What’s important in this introduction is that the student leaves the reader with a bit of a puzzle to solve; after all, we want to know the significance of the box and the contents it holds. Incorporating an element of mystery into an introduction is a powerful way of grabbing your reader’s attention.
When it comes to writing a winning introduction, here are a few questions I’m often asked:
1.) I’m feeling extra creative. Can I open with a song, a poem, or a less traditional opening? Creativity in the writing process should be applauded, but there is such a thing as too creative when it comes to creating a personal statement. I have read a few very successful essays that had less than traditional introductions, such as lines from a self-authored poem or even a simple recipe. Be careful here, though. Trying to be too unconventional can backfire and cause the admissions team to not get what they came for.
2.) I want to open with a famous quote that’s meaningful to me. Is that a good idea? Nope! That is not a good idea. While you may have learned this strategy while creating a five-paragraph essay in high school, this does not translate to the college essay process and can come across as cliché and unoriginal. Unless a university explicitly asks you to analyze a quote as a supplemental essay prompt, stay away from famous quotes.
3.) Does my opening paragraph need to contain five sentences? No, it does not! Successful essay introductions can look a lot of different ways. In some cases, it may be one powerful sentence. Throw away what you’ve learned about five-sentence paragraphs; they are not required here.
Your introduction is the best opportunity you have to make a lasting first impression. Make it count!
