Samples of Our Work: College #1
Every EssayMaster editing order includes a critique and a substantive edit. Please review the excerpt to understand the comprehensive nature of our editing. You may also review the full critique, edited essay, and original below.
Excerpt
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Entire Order
CRITIQUE
Dear [Fname],
The original draft demonstrated a type of sophistication, offering a non-failure failure that improved rather than detracted from your candidacy. An evocative anecdote in the essay improved on a sincere discussion of your compassion and humanitarian spirit. The original draft covered material in turn, painting a portrait of an individual inspired from within.
The editor’s first duty in this essay was to work with ESL irregularities that required correction, and then improve fluency and flow. At each stage of the essay, wording was tightened up, details carefully trimmed, and cohesiveness improved. Finally, the most evocative anecdote was brought to the front of the essay, where it had the most impact.
“The recess bell for 8th grade finally rang.”
This was a cinematic opening that created a visual image to start the narrative.
“The helplessness I felt that day drove me toward programming and computing. “
This sentence demonstrated strength that came from weakness. As such, it invited empathy with the writer.
“I use music to evoke a positive emotional response from my audience”
The candidacy of the applicant is improved by a seeming off-hand remark that actually shows the breadth of the applicant’s intellect.
Overall, a “Renaissance man” candidacy is established. The revised draft shows your philanthropy and establishes that you will live up to these ideals in your adult life to come.
As part of my edit, I have also checked the “before” and “after” document in Grammarly, which provides sophisticated AI-assisted error-checking. While Grammarly is not perfect and does not scan for substance or organization as we do as human editors and while it can sometimes flag issues that are not actually issues, we have consistently found that successful essays tend to have scores above 90%. We note the original score on the document was 74% and the score on the revision is 99%.
Congratulations on creating a document that shows and does not tell that you are a leader. The document elegantly demonstrates a broad, liberal candidacy. We thank you for the opportunity to help with your essay and best of luck with your future admission.
Sincerely,
EDITED ESSAY (the “After”)
The lessons we take from obstacles we encounter can be fundamental to later success. Recount a time when you faced a challenge, setback, or failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience? (650 max)
The recess bell for 8th grade finally rang.
As my peers made their way to the field, I made mine to the library. Although I was often regarded as shy and quiet, social convention had always made me uncomfortable and wary. For me, solace arrived in the form of books, which transported me to worlds away from the constant onslaught of pressure at school and home. Shakespeare made me experience the assassination of Caesar, Dickens made me realize the vileness of the Victorian era, and Orwell provided me with history lessons using satire and allegory.
But these wonderful thoughts of mine were interrupted one day by a boy barging into an empty library, sitting down and weeping intensely. Visibly distraught, he paid no attention to me as I was cooped up in the corner with a book. While my mind wanted me to comfort him, my body failed to respond. I sat there, dazed and confused, not knowing how to handle the situation. I realized that my conviction to help him was driven by emotion, but my fear of social interaction held me back. When the boy lifted his head and met my eyes, a look of exasperation and embarrassment overtook him. He fled. I was no stranger to crying in the library, but, even though I empathized with him, I could not console him.
The helplessness I felt that day drove me toward programming and computing. Whether it was making mobile applications to help the visually impaired, prepare people for flash floods, or teach kids the periodic table, I strive to alleviate. Outside of programming, I’ve volunteered at underserved communities and NGOs to ensure kids don’t feel the same helplessness that I felt that day. By presenting my creations in schools and working with the Education Minister of Dhaka to involve more women in STEM, I assure that others are inspired by my mission.
Technology, however, is not the only method I employ to share my thoughts with the world. Recognized as a skilled instrumentalist, I use music to evoke a positive emotional response from my audience. My passion and tenet drown out my racing heartbeat whenever I sit in front of hundreds of eyes and play the tabla, a classical instrument of the Indian subcontinent.
For me, all learning is research for my next hurdle of helplessness. As I study multivariable calculus, fiscal and monetary policies, or nuclear physics, I promptly see their potential applications. Outside of school, I actively attend climate change protests, art galleries, and theatre shows, endeavoring to find subjects and techniques for my next hurdle. Knowing that my education will someday impact others, I am continually motivated to learn.
Even though the boy and I didn't become close friends, the passion and spirit he invoked in me have stayed with me for years: overseeing my studies, motivating my actions, and giving me purpose. Be it in class, within myself, or on the streets, I seek to discover. Be it with words, programming, or music, I strive to share. Be it as excitement, revelation, or screams, I aim to impact.
ORIGINAL ESSAY (the “Before”)
Innovation, in any case, isn't main strategy I utilize to impart my musings to the world. Perceived as a talented instrumentalist, I use music to summon a reaction from crowd. My enthusiasm and fundamental muffle my dashing heartbeat at whatever point I protest front several eyes and play the tabla, an old-style instrument of the Indian subcontinent. As far as I might be concerned, all learning is research for my next obstacle of powerlessness. As I examination multivariable math, financial and money related approaches, or atomic material science, I observe their expected applications. Outside of school, I go to effectively environmental change fights, to workmanship displays, and to theater shows, trying to discover subjects and procedures for next obstacle. Realizing that my schooling will sometime effect others, I am roused to constantly learn. Regulating my investigations, inspiring my activities, and giving me reason. Be it in class, inside myself, or in the city, I look to find. Be it with words, programming, music, I endeavor to share. Be it as energy, disclosure, or shouts, I mean to effect.
Yet, these awesome considerations of mine were intruded on one day by a kid jumping into a vacant library, sobbing. The break chime for eighth grade had rang. As my companions advance toward the field, I make mine to library. Regularly viewed as timid and calm, social show had consistently made me awkward and watchful, uncareful. As far as I might be concerned, comfort showed up as books, which moved me from the consistent surge of weight at school and home. Shakespeare made me experience the deth of Caesar, Dickens caused me to understand the awful of the Victorian time, and Orwell furnished me with history exercises utilizing parody and moral.
The kid gave no consideration as I was cooped up in the corner with book; while my brain needed me to comfort him, my body neglected to react. I stayed there, bewildered, confounded, and paralyzing, not realizing how to deal with the circumstance, for I understood that my conviction to help him was driven with feeling, however my dread of social association was keeping me down. At the point the kid lifted his head and met my eyes, a look of humiliation surpassed him. He left. I was no more unusual to behavior in the library, yet, I was unable to reassure him.
My feelings that day drove me toward figuring. Regardless of whether it was making versatile applications to help the outwardly weakened, to get ready individuals for streak floods, or to show kids the occasional table, I endeavor to mitigate. Outside of programming, I've chipped in at underserved networks and NGOs to guarantee kids don't feel the very vulnerability that I felt that day. By introducing my manifestations in schools and working with the Education Minister of Dhaka to include more ladies in STEM, I guarantee that others are propelled by my main goal.
