Samples of Our Work: Law School #1
Every EssayMaster editing order includes a critique and a substantive edit. Please review the excerpt to understand the comprehensive nature of our editing. You may also review the full critique, edited essay, and original below.
Excerpt
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Entire Order
CRITIQUE
Dear [Fname],
Your original draft had some key strengths, including early childhood interest in conflict-resolution, leadership anecdotes, and introspection on your path to becoming a lawyer. Your candidacy comes off as one of faith and noble aspiration. Finally, you provided a strong rationale for your interest in one particular law school.
As editor, my job was to refine the structure and then confront issues on the paragraph and sentence level. I adjusted the opening for maximum impact, adjusted the flow of the progression of ideas, and altered word choice.
“From the very first day I could remember, I knew my life was headed in a direction to help other people.”
Your original opening was good, but to directly begin with the beginning of your memories is even more powerful. This opening grabs the reader’s attention and allows for a smooth progression of ideas.
“Coming from a small town with a population of less than three hundred thousand, we somehow managed to compile a team that finished ninth in the nation.”
Here we had a good anecdote, but the original draft required grammatical adjustment. “Less than” rather than “less then,” and so on.
“Ordinary people are the salt of the earth, and it would be an honor to impact their lives.”
It is famously stated that in law the “just-folks” lawyer convinces more people than the sophisticated highly-educated one who only speaks to wealthy people. This line suggests that you are a lawyer of the people and improves your candidacy.
Your resulting draft now provides a smooth and cogent argument for your admission. In particular, your humanitarian side is well-demonstrated and appeals to those who seek out philanthropic legal professionals.
As part of my edit, I have also checked the “before” and “after” document in Grammarly, which provides sophisticated AI-assisted error-checking. While Grammarly is not perfect and does not scan for substance or organization as we do as human editors and while it can sometimes flag issues that are not actually issues, we have consistently found that successful essays tend to have scores above 90%. We note the original score on the document was 84% and the score on the revision is 99%.
Thank you for choosing EssayMaster as your partner in this organized and articulate appeal for your candidacy. We wish you the best of success in your law school applications.
Sincerely,
EDITED ESSAY (the “After”)
From the very first day I could remember, I knew my life was headed in a direction to help other people. My parents raised me with a gift to care for and touch the lives of those around me. The first-ever honor I received came in second grade. Mrs. XXX presented me with an award at the end of the school year. This was the "Most Likely to be a Peacemaker" award. When I wonder where my life is headed and question my goals, my mother always seems to point to this event. She undoubtedly knows that I will one day "be a Peacemaker," somewhere and somehow. Through high school and college, I searched for my identity. I looked at many possible career paths that matched my personality. Raising me in an environment conducive to teamwork, my parents instilled in me the conviction to lead. This conviction has influenced me from elementary school through my collegiate career. Ultimately, the only answer I would always come to was law.
My dream is to one day make a significant impact on our society. A vast majority of Florida and United States congressmen are lawyers. Law school is without doubt the path that will lead me to my calling. I plan to one day touch the lives of as many people as God has planned. He has molded me into an individual who cares mostly about his surroundings. This conviction is deep-rooted in my everyday routine and my overall life. Day-to-day, I have a burning desire to impact others. It all began around the beginning of my sophomore year in high school, when I found a niche with my fellow students. I began serving in student government as the voice of my constituents. As time progressed, I felt more comfortable with stepping outside of the box. I realized that God had given a gift to speak and touch lives in a very positive way.
As I grew, I quickly realized the difference I could make in my world. In May of my sophomore year, I attended the Hugh O'Brien Youth Seminar. This weekend-long leadership program focused my attention to excel in society. It taught me how to think, not what to think. From that short weekend forth, my life changed drastically. The leadership conference put new and unique tools in my hands and then immediately put me in an environment to use these new tools throughout the whole weekend. I was awakened to new ways of doing things that resulted in immediate results in interaction with my fellow peers. I began to search for answers, and I was hungry for more of these kinds of tools. Law school became a clearer and stronger goal. I therefore embarked on numerous extracurricular activities, including presiding over the Greek and American Student Association, partaking in the Hugh O'Brien Youth State executive Board, and coaching various volleyball teams in the Gainesville area, all while holding down a full-time job at the Home Depot and attending the University of Florida.
During the 2000 Jr. Olympic Volleyball National Championships in Kentucky, I realized the fruits of my labor. The eleven fourteen-year-old girls on my team brought me a great sense of accomplishment. Throughout the year, sixteen-hundred teams competed to enter this tournament, and sixty-four were invited. Coming from a small town with a population of less than three hundred thousand, we somehow managed to compile a team that finished ninth in the nation. When the last ball hit the floor, I looked up and wondered why God had given me such an honor. It was clearly one of the greatest moments of my life. I realized that my ability to motivate others pays off. Law will continue to lead me down the path where I can find even more of these opportunities. At first, I may be helping one person at a time. As my aspirations become reality, I wish to impact whole cities or states. I believe that God has blessed me with these kinds of experiences.
During the three years of working at the Home Depot, moreover, I learned a vast amount about teamwork, customer service, and real-world workers. My experiences in directly dealing with blue-collar, middle-income customers and associates add a great perspective on my life. This experience is most beneficial because I may one day represent all different classes of people both in the courtroom and in the political arena. Ordinary people are the salt of the earth, and it would be an honor to impact their lives.
The XXX has offered me a great education, and XXX has given me great opportunities to exercise my dreams. I was offered a diverse lifestyle and dealt with many types of individuals in my years there. After having visited XXX, I was immediately excited by the small school atmosphere. I felt at home at the campus and had a feeling of welcome. Ken, the admissions counselor, gave me a tour of the facility, and I was impressed. He made me feel comfortable, and I hadn't even applied. I was even more inspired by the openness of the faculty. Bob introduced me to Ms. XXX, and she was very kind and welcoming.
Attending XXX University Law School will be a fruitful path in utilizing my character, beliefs, and experiences to their utmost potential. It is my vision and my opportunity to make an important difference while attending Law school at XXX. I hope to contribute to the law journal and participate in campus life. Thereafter, practicing law will be a very integral part of accomplishing my life-long goal of being a great civil servant.
ORIGINAL ESSAY (the “Before”)
In life, accomplishments of goals drive us to excel. Practicing law is a very important stepping stone to fulfilling my aspirations. Being raised in an environment conducive to team work, my parents instilled in me the conviction to lead. This conviction has carried me from elementary school through my collegiate career.
Practicing law is a very integral part in accomplishing my life long goal of being a great civil servant. From the first day I could remember, I knew my life was headed in a direction to help others. My parents raised me with a gift to care and touch the lives of people around me. The first ever honor I received came in second grade. Mrs. XXX presented me with an award at the end of the school year. I received the, "Most Likely to be a Peace Maker," award. When I wonder where my life is headed, and I question my goals, my mother always seems to point to this event. She, undoubtedly, knows that I will one day "be a Peace Maker," somewhere, and somehow. Through high school, and college I searched for my identity. I looked at many possible career paths that matched my personality. The only answer I would always come to was law.
My dream is to one day make a significant impact on our society. A vast majority of Florida and United States congressmen are lawyers. Law School is without doubt the path which will lead me to my calling. I plan to one day touch the lives of as many people as God has planned. He has molded me into an individual who cares mostly about his surroundings. This conviction is deep rooted in my everyday routine, and my overall life.
Day to day, I have a burning desire to impact others. It all began around the beginning my sophomore year in high school, I found a niche with my fellow students. I began serving in student government as the voice of my constituents. As time progressed, I felt more comfortable with stepping outside of the box. I realized that God had given a gift to speak, and touch lives in a very positive way. In May of my sophomore year, I attended the Hugh O'Brien Youth Seminar. This weekend-long leadership program focused my attention to excel in society. It taught me how to think, not what to think.
I quickly realized the difference I could make in my world. From that short weekend forth, my life changed drastically. The leadership conference put new and unique tools in my hands and then immediately put me in an environment to use these new tools through the whole weekend. I was awakened to new ways of doing things that resulted in immediate results in interaction with my fellow peers. I began to search for answers and I was hungry for more of these kind of tools. Law school became a clearer and stronger goal. Through high school, and well into college, I was finding myself. I embarked on numerous extracurricular activities including presiding over the Greek and American Student Association, partaking in the Hugh O'Brien Youth State executive Board, and coaching various volleyball teams in the Gainesville area, all while holding down a full time job at the Home Depot, and attending the University of Florida.
During the 2000 Jr. Olympic Volleyball National Championships in Kentucky, I realized the fruits of my labor. The eleven fourteen-year-old girls on my team brought me a great sense of accomplishment. Through the year, sixteen-hundred teams competed to enter this tournament, and sixty-four were invited. Being a small town of population less then three-hundred thousand, we somehow managed to compile a team that finished ninth in the nation. When the last ball hit the floor, I looked up and wondered why God had given me such an honor. It was clearly one of the greatest moments of my life. The lesson learned was a great one. I realized that my ability to motivate others pays off. Law will definitely lead me down the path where I can continue finding these opportunities. At first, I may be helping one person at a time. As my aspirations become reality, I wish to be impacting whole cities or states. I believe that God has blessed me with these kinds of experiences.
During the three years of working at the Home Depot, I learned a vast amount about team work, customer service, and real-world workers. I found that my experiences in directly dealing with blue collar, middle-income customers and associates add great perspective on my life. I feel this experience is most beneficial because I may one day represent all different classes of people both in the courtroom and in the political arena.
The XXX has offered me a great education, and XXX has given me great opportunities to exercise my dreams. I feel that I was offered a diverse lifestyle, and dealt with many types of individuals in my years there. After having visited XXX, I was immediately turned on to the small school atmosphere. I felt comfortable with the campus, and had a feeling of welcome. Ken, the admissions counselor, gave me a tour of the facility, and I was impressed. He made me feel at home, and I hadn't even applied. I was most impressed with the openness of the faculty. Bob introduced me to Ms. XXX, and she was very welcoming.
Attending XXX University Law School will be a very fruitful path in utilizing my character, beliefs, and experiences to their utmost potential. It is my vision and my opportunity to make an important difference while attending Law school at XXX.