Samples of Our Work: Law School #2
Every EssayMaster editing order includes a critique and a substantive edit. Please review the excerpt to understand the comprehensive nature of our editing. You may also review the full critique, edited essay, and original below.
Excerpt
Please use the slider to see an excerpt of the before and after.
Entire Order
CRITIQUE
Dear [Fname],
Your original draft had some key strengths, including sincerity, interest in the field, and a good presentation of anecdotes relating to your true passion. The essay portrayed a candidate of balance and temper, and readability and persuasiveness were good.
My main job as editor was to rewrite the structure for maximum impact. To that end, I altered the order of paragraphs, enhanced word choice, and sharpened up the flow.
“My interest in practicing law first became apparent in 2000 when I began working for a mortgage company.”
This was the proper opening line as it showed where you interest in law began. The impact of subsequent points was thereby increased.
“However, this is tempered by the fact that many of the witnesses are themselves alleged victims of crime and deserve my full attention.”
Due to sentence length, this clause needed its own full sentence.
“I further have a balanced range of outside interests, including my main passion, golf, which I have played for over 20 years.”
Your anecdote provided a nice portrait of a balanced candidacy, but in order not to disrupt the flow of the essay, the material was appended to the preceding paragraph.
Your essay now cogently argues your case. Your sincere and lifelong interest in the law has been made even more clear than in the original document, and the resulting work is now polished.
As part of my edit, I have also checked the “before” and “after” document in Grammarly, which provides sophisticated AI-assisted error-checking. While Grammarly is not perfect and does not scan for substance or organization as we do as human editors and while it can sometimes flag issues that are not actually issues, we have consistently found that successful essays tend to have scores above 90%. We note the original score on the document was 84% and the score on the revision is 99%.
Thank you for choosing EssayMaster as your partner in this organized and articulate appeal for your candidacy. We wish you the best of success in your law school applications.
Sincerely,
EDITED ESSAY (the “After”)
My interest in practicing law first became apparent in 2000 when I began working for a mortgage company. My responsibilities required liaising with solicitors to ensure that conditions pertaining to our offer of mortgage, and any subsequent legal issues raised, were resolved to the satisfaction of the company. This was when I began to admire immensely the work of legal professionals. Their ability to advise on matters of law in such a precise and exact manner was astounding and something I aspired to as it appealed to my analytical and methodical nature. Here, and in subsequent roles, I developed my argumentative communication skills, both written and verbal, and further developed an analytical approach to problem-solving.
Keen to feed my curiosity further, I visited the public gallery within Reading Crown Court. The case was a minor appeal but left a lasting impression upon me. The appellant sat directly behind his barrister and was frequently instructing him regarding points raised by The Crown, which were then argued on his behalf. I became fascinated by this true demonstration of advocacy in action and decided that a future within criminal law was what I wanted. I wished to gain firsthand knowledge and experience of the criminal justice system, so I applied to volunteer for the Witness Service and currently work with them one day a week. This is intensely rewarding for me; being able to observe court procedures and personnel affords me a direct insight into the criminal law world and is something I do savour. However, this is tempered by the fact that many of the witnesses are themselves alleged victims of crime and deserve my full attention.
The experience I have gained has given me the benefit of seeing the law in a variety of contextual, cultural, and practical applications and culminated in my decision to apply for university. As I had not enrolled in an academic course for a while, I thought it prudent to embark upon an Access course. My choice of subjects has helped me develop a wide range of skills relevant to law at the undergraduate level: Business has developed further my critical thinking and analytical skills and has served to improve my logical approach to problem-solving; Psychology has taught me research skills and the ability to evaluate an argument critically, and Law has given me an overview of the English Legal System and improved my written communication skills. Furthermore, all three subjects have enabled me to develop my oral communication skills by way of assessed in-class presentations.
I relish the prospect of studying law at degree level, and I am ready for the challenges presented by sustained study at this level. The prospect of learning from experts within their respective fields of law is a fascinating one; also, meeting new and varied people with common interests, taking an active interest in the student law societies, and, in particular, taking part in 'Mooting' are some of the things to which I particularly look forward. I further have a balanced range of outside interests, including my main passion, golf, which I have played for over 20 years. Golf is an analytically rich game, with each hole presenting a multitude of problems to be analysed and solved. Many years ago, I was appointed the Junior Captain at my local golf club and thrived upon this position's pressure and responsibility.
I long recall having been amazed as to how law permeates every aspect of our lives. My career thus far has taken me to the City of London, as far away as New Zealand, and then back to Reading again and has served to cultivate my interest in law and made me yearn to study this fascinating subject at the undergraduate level, and formally qualify as a solicitor, within criminal advocacy.
ORIGINAL ESSAY (the “Before”)
I long recall having been amazed as to how law permeates every aspect of our lives. My career thus far has taken me to the City of London, as far away as New Zealand, and then back to Reading again and has served to cultivate my interest in law and made me yearn to study this fascinating subject at undergraduate level, and formally qualify as a solicitor, within criminal advocacy.
My interest in practicing law first became apparent in 2000 when I commenced employment for a mortgage company. The role required liaising with solicitors to ensure that conditions pertaining to our offer of mortgage, and any subsequent legal issues raised, were resolved to the satisfaction of the company.
This is when I began to admire the work of legal professionals immensely. Their ability to advise on matters of law in a such a precise and exact manner was astounding and something to which I aspired as it appealed to my analytical and methodical nature. This, and subsequent roles, developed my argumentative communication skills, both written and verbal, and also enabled me to further develop an analytical approach to problem solving.
Keen to feed my curiosity further, I visited the public gallery within Reading Crown Court. The case was a minor appeal, but left a lasting impression upon me. The appellant was sat directly behind his barrister and was frequently instructing him regarding points raised by The Crown, which were then argued on his behalf. I remember being fascinated by this true demonstration of advocacy in action and decided that a future within criminal law was what I wanted.
I wished to gain first hand knowledge and experience of the criminal justice system so I applied to volunteer for the Witness Service and currently work with them one day a week. This is intensely rewarding for me; being able to observe court procedures and personnel affords me a direct insight into the criminal law world, and is something I do savour; however, this is tempered by the fact that many of the witnesses are themselves alleged victims of crime and deserve my full attention.
The experience I have gained has given me the benefit of seeing the law in a variety of contextual, cultural and practical applications and culminated in my decision to apply for university. As I had not enrolled on an academic course for a while, I thought it prudent to embark upon an Access course.
My choice of subjects has helped me develop a wide range of skills relevant to law at undergraduate level: Business has developed further my critical thinking and analytical skills, and has served to improve my logical approach to problem solving; Psychology has taught me research skills and the ability to critically evaluate an argument, and Law has given me an overview of the English Legal System and improved my written communication skills. Furthermore, all three subjects have enabled me to develop my oral communication skills by way of assessed in-class presentations.
I have a balanced range of outside interests but my main passion is golf, which I have played for over 20 years. I find golf an analytically rich game, with each hole presenting a multitude of problems to be analysed and solved. Many years ago I was appointed the Junior Captain at my local golf club, and thrived upon the pressure and responsibility of that position.
I relish the prospect of studying law at degree level and believe I am ready for the challenges presented by sustained study at this level. The prospect of learning from experts within their respective fields of law is a very exciting one; also meeting new and varied people with common interests, taking an active interest in the student law societies and, in particular, taking part in 'Mooting' are some of the things to which I particularly look forward.