Samples of Our Work: Business School #2
Every EssayMaster editing order includes a critique and a substantive edit. Please review the excerpt to understand the comprehensive nature of our editing. You may also review the full critique, edited essay, and original below.
Excerpt
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CRITIQUE
Dear [Fname],
In this essay, you demonstrated key strengths: advanced education in business, a family challenge overcome, and in-industry experience. These separate points contributed to a portrayal of a well-rounded candidate, one who is expected to go on to great successes in the future.
“after graduating from the Beijing Forestry University with my undergraduate degree, I intended on pursuing my passion abroad”
It’s positive that you show and do not tell that you are interested in international activities.
“I did my best to help with appointments, provide loving support, and assist the family in coping with the various issues we were dealing with.”
The family challenge overcome appeals to the admissions officer’s empathy. We are all born into at least one family: the appeal of this approach is therefore universal.
“I managed 5,000 private enterprises in the region by collecting fees, providing reimbursements, reviewing claims, and confirming hospital and clinic charges.”
Direct business experience here adds strength rather than fluff. My only qualm about the final sentence was whether the question “how do you intend to grow at Kellogg” was covered well enough. For example, you could write, “I intend to use my same ethos of leadership at Kellogg, where I will build upon the dynamic student culture” as the closing sentence.
As part of my edit, I have also checked the “before” and “after” document in Grammarly, which provides sophisticated AI-assisted error-checking. While Grammarly is not perfect and does not scan for substance or organization as we do as human editors and while it can sometimes flag issues that are not actually issues, we have consistently found that successful essays tend to have scores above 90%. We note the original score on the document was 94% and the score on the revised draft is 98%.
Your final document demonstrates your passion for an international challenge as well as your strength in overcoming circumstances beyond your control. The essay highlights your leadership, work ethic, and how much you have grown in the past.
Thank you for choosing EssayMaster as your partner in an optimized personal statement. We wish you the very best of luck in your successful applications to Kellogg.
Sincerely,
EDITED ESSAY (the “After”)
My first experience with professional growth was academic. I had always been a student fascinated by economics and finance, and after graduating from the Beijing Forestry University with my undergraduate degree, I intended on pursuing my passion abroad. The vast nature of academia in the United Kingdom appealed to me, as London is considered to be a center of finance, and I wanted to improve my worldview with an international experience. Furthermore, I wanted to become fluent in the primary business language of the world: English. With great honor, I received an acceptance letter to the University of Hull in the United Kingdom, where I majored in Money, Banking, and Finance towards the completion of a Master’s in Science degree.
At Hull, I learned how to think independently, as I was far away from home. I also learned how to effectively cooperate with others from diverse backgrounds and cultures. During my studies, I spent two years improving my academic skills, building close relationships, and traveling to twelve countries, thus expanding my world perspective. After receiving my degree, I was prepared to search for a job within the finance sector.
However, personal misfortune occurred. In the period after, my grandfather passed away, and my father was suffering from advanced diabetes, kidney failure, a neck fracture, and high blood pressure. Hemodialysis was required three times a week, in addition to two major surgeries. It was devastating to see my father weakened by his illnesses, as he had once been a well-liked and energetic professor at Yunnan Medical University. I did my best to help with appointments, provide loving support, and assist the family in coping with the various issues we were dealing with.
After things improved, I earned a position with the Bureau of Human Resources and Social Security in Tianjin due to finishing in the upper percentile of the highly competitive Chinese Civil Service Exam. In charge of medical insurance, I managed 5,000 private enterprises in the region by collecting fees, providing reimbursements, reviewing claims, and confirming hospital and clinic charges. Later, I was a team leader in the Office of Objective Management and Supervision, where I was responsible for supervision, management, and assessment of government organs across the Tianjin District.
The academic and professional world taught me many lessons of responsibility, hard-work, and adaptation. I learned to work longer hours when needed, to study situations elaborately, and to work diligently with colleagues to provide the service we are expected to accomplish. Kellogg offers the academic challenge and student clubs that are ideal for my pursuits. I intend to continue this level of growth at Kellogg, where it will be the most important.
ORIGINAL ESSAY (the “Before”)
My first experience with professional growth was academic. I had always been a student fascinated by economics and finance, and after graduating from the Beijing Forestry University with my undergraduate degree, I intended on pursuing my passion abroad. The vast nature of academia in the United Kingdom appealed to me, as London is considered to be a center of finance, and I wanted to improve my worldview with an international experience. Furthermore, I wanted to become fluent in the primary business language of the world: English. With great honor, I received an acceptance letter to the University of Hull in the United Kingdom, where I majored in Money, Banking, and Finance towards the completion of a Master’s in Science degree.
At Hull, I learned how to think independently, as I was far away from home. I also learned how to effectively cooperate with others from diverse backgrounds and cultures. During my studies, I spent two years improving my academic skills, building close relationships, and traveling to twelve countries, thus expanding my world perspective. After receiving my Master of Science in Money, Banking, and Finance, I was prepared to search for a job within the finance sector.
However, personal misfortune occurred. My father’s health was in decline, as he was suffering from advanced diabetes and kidney failure. Hemodialysis was required three times a week, and on one occasion, he fell to the ground and fractured his neck. Post-surgery, he actively dealt with an infection, which resulted in another operation three months later. At this point, doctors said that general anesthesia would be very dangerous for him, since my father was in critical condition and also suffered from blood pressure problems. It was devastating to see my father weakened by his illness, as he had once been a well-liked and energetic, professor at Yunnan Medical University. For two years, he was unable to return to work. This period was also difficult because my grandfather also passed away. I did my best to ensure my presence was always noticeable, and that I was always doing my best to help my dad out and assist the family in coping with the multitude of issues we were dealing with.
The academic and professional world taught me many lessons of responsibility, hard-work, and adaptation. I learned to work longer hours when needed, to study situations elaborately, and work diligently with colleagues to provide the service we are expected to accomplish. I intend to continue this level of growth at Kellogg, where it will be the most important.