Samples of Our Work: Business School #1
Every EssayMaster editing order includes a critique and a substantive edit. Please review the excerpt to understand the comprehensive nature of our editing. You may also review the full critique, edited essay, and original below.
Excerpt
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CRITIQUE
Dear [Fname],
Your original essay clearly had a great deal of material, more than double the permitted 2000 characters. The editor’s task was therefore cut and dry: finding the very best material within many very strong points. Key strengths of the original draft included how it showed your leadership skills, the international scope of your experience, and its overall positive tone.
“During the entirety of my undergraduate studies, I have been a member of AIESEC, the largest student-run non-government organization in the world.”
I made the bold (and correct) choice to start directly with the topic of the essay, AIESEC. There was nothing inherently wrong with writing about critical thinking skills developed at the University of Nottingham Ningbo China; it’s just that space limitations required diving directly into the material without introduction.
“Collaborating with people from many backgrounds, the project I led promoted inter-communication between Western and Eastern medical culture, officially named ‘Red Herb.’”
You directly engaged the requirement for international material, a strength preserved in the revised draft.
“This included many types of cultural engagement, such as visiting Chinese historical areas, going to events such as the Spring Festival…”
The specific activities the client engaged in is here outlined.
The resulting document highlights your cross-cultural appeal and your initiative, positive spirit, and enthusiasm. We have worked together to create a document that best demonstrates these qualities of yours in the permitted 2000 character limit.
As part of my edit, I have also checked the “before” and “after” document in Grammarly, which provides sophisticated AI-assisted error-checking. While Grammarly is not perfect and does not scan for substance or organization as we do as human editors and while it can sometimes flag issues that are not actually issues, we have consistently found that successful essays tend to have scores above 90%. We note the original score on the document was 94% and the score on the revised draft is 98%.
Your revised essay demonstrates the scope of your leadership ability, displaying rather than telling the reader of your obvious “grace under pressure.” Thank you for choosing EssayMaster to help bring out the very top points of your candidacy, and we wish you the best of luck with your successful admission.
Sincerely,
EDITED ESSAY (the “After”)
Explain a significant event and/or experience outside your home country or in an international context. (Please limit your response to 2000 characters).
During the entirety of my undergraduate studies, I have been a member of AIESEC, the largest student-run non-government organization in the world. Being a member of AIESEC provided numerous opportunities to meet people from different backgrounds and participate in life-changing experiences, as the organization is closely aligned with the United Nations. The most significant memory I have occurred during my second year, where I was selected to be a leader of the In-coming Global Volunteer Department. The mission statement of the department included contributing to one of the 17 sustainable development goals of the United Nations, created to promote sustainability throughout the world. Our delegation was responsible for the third goal, promoting "good health and well-being," and I was responsible for leading the project. Collaborating with people from many backgrounds, the project I led promoted inter-communication between Western and Eastern medical culture, officially named "Red Herb."
Although the project did not take place in another country, we traveled as a team to other parts of China that were full of international visitors. During our travels, I led the recruitment initiative and had over 20 volunteers from five countries on our team. In order to promote unity, understanding, and offer a warm welcome to the international volunteers, I created a plan to spread cultural awareness. This included many types of cultural engagement, such as visiting Chinese historical areas, going to events such as the Spring Festival, and offering a perspective that could be articulated in a language the visitors could understand. In return, I learned much about outside perspectives about my country, the expansive knowledge that so many foreigners had of Chinese history and customs, and how special it was to have dialogue. The most important takeaway from this experience was learning about the worldview of others and working in teams that had a different work culture.
ORIGINAL ESSAY (the “Before”)
I am the person who loves positioning myself in an international context based environment, therefore, I chose University of Nottingham Ningbo China as my undergraduate school, a place full of chances and challenges of forming and shaping my global insight. Different from the traditional Chinese educational format, UNNC provides me an environment where the self-expression, creativity and critical thinking is accepted and welcomed. Over the four-year period of my undergraduate, I gradually developed my critical thinking through the multi-cultural context based professional knowledge my college offered. Beside the classes, I have continued to seek out opportunities to develop my global insights. Therefore, I joined in AIESEC, the largest student-run global non-government organization. In my second year in AIESEC, I was successfully selected as a leader of the In-coming Global Volunteer department and got chance to design and realize own global volunteer project. Due to cooperation relationship between AIESEC and United Nations, all the projects of AIESEC needs to target at achieving one of the 17 sustainable development goals sustainable goals of UN. Interested in Chinese traditional medical culture and aiming at solving the third sustainable goal of “good health and well-being”, I designed a project whose main vision is to promote the inter-communication between Western and Eastern medical culture, named “Red Herb”.
For realizing this project, I spent one month on marketing research to chose the top three potential places for the project and finally confirm two of them after my field work, Wenzhou and Ningbo, the top four cities of Zhejiang Province. Based on the characteristics of these two proposed project places, I designed the main events of the project, which respectively are global youth conference, transitional Chinese medical culture teaching, and traditional Chinese culture experience. I wrote formal and comprehensive event proposal for every event and successfully obtained sponsorship and corporations through them in the three-month business negotiation. There are finally over five companies and organizations including Mo-Bike, the first bike-sharing company in China, Zhejiang Pharmaceutical College and Yongjia Collect, a 4A-tier (the second level) attractions in Zhejiang, China.
In addition, as the team leader, I recruited five team members and took the responsibility of member training, team bonding and other teamwork related issues. Through our teamwork, Red Herb project has successfully recruited over 20 international volunteers from 5 countries and 10 local volunteers in China. As the project president, I also took the responsibility for the whole realization of the six-week volunteer project. In the first week, there were a large number of culture shock and conflicts between the volunteer and the organization committee, which brought me much pressure and broken my expectation of the project we prepared painstakingly to a certain extent. Instead of sinking into the negative emotions, I actively deal with the problem and challenges we faced with my members. Therefore, we hold face-to-face deep talk, Chinese culture sharing classes, and Chinese local engagement, thanks to those efforts, not only the problem resulted from the culture shock solved, but also I together with my members obtained more insights about how China is understood from the perspective of different ideologies through the lens of the youth from multi-cultural backgrounds.
In the global youth conference of Red Herb, under the topic of “Good health and well-being”, the volunteers exchanged their opinions about both Chinese traditional medicine and global medical science issues with the students from other local universities. It was my first time to have deep look of how our similar-aged peer from different cultural background think about the worldwide issues, which provides me an alternative insight to oppositely reflect myself and the environment I positioned in. In addition, the project realization period has covered the traditional Chinese spring festival, I together with my members found the host families who are willing to accept a foreigner to stay with their family in such a private and special period. Finally, all of the volunteers got a chance to experience Chinese spring festival before they went back their own country.
Tracing back this period of preparing and realizing the Red Herb project, suffering, failure, doubtless and conflicts were alongside all the time, however, I never give up trying. This experience has not only provides me with opportunities to develop my professional skills about business negotiation, marketing, and product design, but also provides me a large number of challenge to develop my soft skills such as teamwork and interpersonal communication. I always believed that every experience matters, through this experience, I tested how strong and brave I can be, and I am ready for the future challenges I will face.