Samples of Our Work: College #4
Every EssayMaster editing order includes a critique and a substantive edit. Please review the excerpt to understand the comprehensive nature of our editing. You may also review the full critique, edited essay, and original below.
Excerpt
Please use the slider to see an excerpt of the before and after.
Entire Order
CRITIQUE
Dear [Fname],
Your personal statement covered a long scope of real world achievements, successfully adding value to your candidacy. It was made clear that your passion for software engineering was genuine and well-informed by industry experience. This made for a solid bedrock on which to build a revised essay.
My first job was to improve the overall fluency of the prose and to that end, I altered word choice, sentence patterns, and topic structure.
“In the process, I learned Python, Java, and C,”
The wording change is subtle, but “in the process” suggested learning was integral to the work, rather than merely simultaneous to.
“Here, I was able to apply my theoretical knowledge into practical use, optimizing company protocols and helping with mission-critical tasks.”
“Mission critical” added a sense of urgency to the applicant’s work. This tone subtly improved the tone of the prose.
“I also attend bootcamps and workshops to equip myself with more advanced programming skills”
Your essay clearly added value here with this point. The material might not be covered elsewhere in the application, so it was a well-decided choice to retain the wording here.
As part of my edit, I have also checked the “before” and “after” document in Grammarly, which provides sophisticated AI-assisted error-checking. While Grammarly is not perfect and does not scan for substance or organization as we do as human editors and while it can sometimes flag issues that are not actually issues, we have consistently found that successful essays tend to have scores above 90%. We note the original score on the document was 94% and the score on the revised draft is 97%.
Your sincere interest in computer science has been amply demonstrated. Thank you for the opportunity to build a top essay together, and we wish you the very best of luck in your successful applications.
Sincerely,
EDITED ESSAY (the “After”)
The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admission committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and the other application information cannot convey. (500-700 words)
[Texas-specific application prompt for the Apply Texas platform]
When I took Introduction to Programming during the summer of 2019, I set my professional goal to be an innovative computer engineer and entrepreneur in the future. The course required the completion of several projects, all in different topics: collecting stock data, creating a movie management system, and reacting to users' requests through the form of a 1980s-era command prompt text adventure platform. In the process, I learned Python, Java, and C, while familiarizing myself with important online resources like GitHub, Stack Overflow, and Coursera.
For further exploration of computer science, I enrolled in the Computer Science Project in Artificial Intelligence at the Harbin Institute of Technology. The aim was to help senior college students understand artificial intelligence through assisting them in their own projects, aiding in machine learning, R, and Python. In addition to exercising these skills, I learned valuable concepts in computer science and spent much time reviewing R and Python in order to ensure my fluency in the languages. Here, I utilized the online sources and communicated with my team members to clarify anything I was unsure about. By the end of the project, I had conducted dataset imports, created linear and non-linear models for data prediction, and tested errors to evaluate models. This project expanded my knowledge of programming and also strengthened my interest in computer science.
When the opportunity arose, I earned a technical internship in AbleMind, a machine trading and rental company comprised of less than fifty employees. Here, I was able to apply my theoretical knowledge to practical use, optimizing company protocols, and helping with mission-critical tasks. My primary responsibilities revolved around supporting the Director of Data on data collecting, cleaning, and analysis. In addition to refining their simple Excel analysis system, I applied Python to process data in their company and increase the calculation efficiency. I also supported the data team by optimizing the supply chain system using barcode applications and established the data management system to increase the data accuracy of the Department of Logistics. Furthermore, I also assisted in optimizing the accounting and payroll systems.
My experience at AbleMind taught me numerous lessons. First, discovering ways to contribute as an intern or employee requires an abundance of research and surveying. Although some procedures seemed outdated, such as their use of Excel, it wasn’t always obvious where I could make improvements. I learned to play an investigative role, which included communication with my colleagues, spending considerable time going through their systems, and patience. Secondly, my role was a reminder that theoretical knowledge preceded set policies and procedures. While I had my ideas going in, it needed to be clarified to my director and others who were involved in the two departments. Finally, my experience was a reminder that this was the perfect field for me, and a profession that I wanted to establish a long-term career out of.
In addition to machine learning and programming, I was exposed to HTML this semester, where I could refine my skills in Python and learn Dreamweaver for web development purposes. Furthermore, I actively attend local meetups such as the Python HTML Seminar in metropolitan Los Angeles to keep myself updated with the latest topics and technology in the field of computer science. I also attend bootcamps and workshops to equip myself with more advanced programming skills. I am highly confident in my success in upper-division courses and projects and in my near future in working in the computer science industry as a senior software engineer.
ORIGINAL ESSAY (the “Before”)
At the point when I took Introduction to Programming throughout the mid-year of 2019, I set my expert objective to be a creative PC specialist and business person later on. The course required the fruition of a few ventures, all in various points: gathering stock information, making a film the executives framework, and responding to clients' solicitation through the type of a 1980s-time order brief content experience stage. Simultaneously, I learned Python, Java, and C, while acclimating myself with significant online assets like GitHub, Stack Overflow, and Coursera.
For additional investigation of software engineering, I joined up with the Computer Science Project in Artificial Intelligence at Harbin Institute of Technology. The point was to help senior understudies comprehend man-made consciousness through helping them in their own ventures, supporting in AI, R, and Python. Notwithstanding practicing these abilities, I learned significant ideas in software engineering and invested a great deal of energy auditing R and Python to guarantee my familiarity with the dialects. Here, I used the online sources and spoke with my colleagues to explain anything I was uncertain about. Before the finish of the task, I had directed dataset imports, made straight and non-straight models for information expectation and tried mistakes to assess models. This task extended my insight into programming, and furthermore fortify my advantage in software engineering.
Whenever the open door emerged, I procured a specialized temporary job in AbleMind, a machine exchanging and rental organization included under fifty representatives. Here, I had the option to apply my hypothetical information into commonsense use, enhancing organization conventions and assisting with different undertakings. My essential obligations spun around supporting the Director of Data on information gathering, cleaning, and investigation. Notwithstanding refining their straightforward Excel examination framework, I applied Python to handle information in their organization and increment the figuring effectiveness. I likewise upheld the information group by improving the flexibly chain framework utilizing standardized tag applications and set up the information the board framework to build the information exactness of the Department of Logistics. Besides, I likewise helped on enhancing the bookkeeping and finance frameworks.
My involvement with AbleMind showed me various exercises. To start with, finding approaches to contribute as an understudy or worker requires a bounty of exploration and looking over. Albeit a few systems appeared to be obsolete, for example, their utilization of Excel, it wasn't generally evident where I could make upgrades. I figured out how to assume an insightful job, which included correspondence with my associates, investing significant energy experiencing their frameworks, and persistence. Also, my job was an update that hypothetical information went before set arrangements and systems. While I had my thoughts going in, it should have been explained to my chief and others that were associated with the two offices. At last, my experience was an update that this was the ideal field for me, and a calling that I needed to build up a drawn-out profession out of.
Notwithstanding AI and programming, I was presented to HTML this semester, where I had the option to refine my aptitudes in Python and learn Dreamweaver for web improvement purposes. Moreover, I effectively go to neighborhood meetups, for example, the Python HTML Seminar in metropolitan Los Angeles to keep myself refreshed with the most recent themes and innovation in the field of software engineering. I likewise go to bootcamps and workshops to outfit myself with further developed programming aptitudes. I am exceptionally certain about my accomplishment in upper division courses and extends and in my not so distant future in working in the software engineering industry as a senior programming engineer.